GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says, "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour, after services for me."
Pat doesn't like it, but being Murphy's longtime friend, he agrees.
After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally, the Pastor gets annoyed, and asks Pat what he's really up to.
Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder, and says, "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago."
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretchedfull-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said...
"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
The older we get, the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me! I want people to know why
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved!
Can’t quite remember one of our shamelessly
plagiarized jokes? It’s probably in the archive
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.